It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out this week’s new releases!
Scan-dol of the week – T.O.P
Highlight – Calling You
Come on kids, this is dull, where’s the fast, angry, uptempo “fuck you Cube Entertainment” song I’m waiting for. I know you guys have got it in you. This song was so boring I forgot to even play it on the show even though it was first on my list (next week, I promise).
Baek A Yeon ft. The Barberettes – Sweet Lies
Meh this is unexciting and The Barberettes add nothing, they may as well have stayed home.
April – Mayday
I didn’t understand the low quality of this noisy, boring, tuneless song until I remembered Asian Junkie mentioning that they were wearing retro baseball outfits (although they look like fast food waitress outfits to me but whatever). Baseball, the corruptor of all that is good in this world.
G-reyish – Johnny GOGO
Well if you’re going to copy a k-pop song it might as well be the greatest k-pop feature track of all time.
Hyoyeon ft. San E – Wannabe
Actually the lawnmower noise is fucking great, it’s everything else about the song that sucks.
Astro – Baby
Song is nothing much but damn they worked hard at that colour coordination didn’t they.
Elris – We, First
Okay so it’s extremely rare that a girl group debut happens and I notice one girl in particular but that girl Hyeseong with the fucked teeth who looks like she’s half-asleep could go far. She’s one to watch.
Girls Alert – Dreamgirls
Apparently this group have got one girl who is amazingly massively obese or something so be on the lookout for her alluring fat rolls.
UV & Shindong – Marry Man
Speaking of which, all the hot sexy man-meat you need in 2017 is right here.
The Black Skirts – Who Do You Love
Actually this one’s not too bad because it’s a bit more melancholy and less cheesy than the usual slow bullshit.
Oohyo – Dandelion
This is alright too. Note that the video is only half the song’s length because Oohyo are caonimas.
Sistar – Lonely
Can every group ever fuck off with these pointless 2NE1-ish “goodbye” songs? They’re always shit, why crap on your own legacy like this.
BONUS SONGS
April – Lovesick
Oh look, April are surrounded by yellow balls. I reckon at least two of them belong to Asian Junkie.
Jazzyfact – All Day
People are complaining that this isn’t very good but honestly to me all R&B sounds exactly like this and I don’t know how you guys hate this but tolerate all the other worthless R&B bullshit.
Loco ft. DPR Live – Movie Shoot
This sucks and Loco released a bunch of other stuff which sucks too that I’m too lazy to cover here.
Loco – Brighten Your Night
Except this one, just because. This is fucking shit too, of course. That’s what happens after these rappers work with Hyomin, they lose so much semen from fapping afterward that all their creativity drains out of their balls and they just can’t write music anymore.
S.E.T – Nalari
The word “Set” had 464 definitions which means “Set” has set the record for the word with the most amount of definitions set. Now “set” is set to increase it’s set of meanings by one, as a new nugu group called “S.E.T” has been set up and is now set to try their luck setting themselves against the set of newly debuted k-pop groups.
Suran ft. Dean – 1+1=0
The reason why 1+1=0 is because Suran counts as one but Dean counts as minus one.
Fromm – Spring, A Dream Of Winter
Wow this is so heartfelt and nice, I love this kind of thing. Just kidding, this is trash, fuck off.
Fromm – Fin
Why does this group exist. It’s like putting up grey wallpaper over grey concrete.
Birthday427 – Beautiful Birth
More garbage. It never ends.
Clint Westwood – My Ballad
I feared the worst from that title but it’s actually kind of like The Roots when they were good.
Clint Westwood – RelaxSeoul
His other song’s kind of bullshit though.
Fana – What Is The World Comin’ To
Okay this is simple but a good song from Korea’s Joe Pesci. Proof that it really is worth checking out everything.
SPECIAL BONUS RETRO SONG
Sistar – So Cool
I mean, thank god for everyone’s sake that that’s over, really, I mean listen to this fucking shit. Sistar had hardly any good songs, girls with great boobs but terrible boob presentation in all the official videos, a horrible Spice Girls-ish, 2NE1-ish “girl power-lite” thing going on (in the beginning) and did I mention that for all the hype about how busty they were you never really got a good look at their boobs, it was only once Soyou did a bunch of horrible solo songs that people really noticed. You could count all of Sistar’s good songs on the fingers of one hand and still have a thumb free to stick up Dasom’s ass. Guess I’ve blown my chance of an interview with any of them now, haven’t I… but then I dunno, I have a feeling that some of them might read this and completely agree. After all k-pop groups get about 1% choice at most in whatever they end up having to do and Sistar were nothing if not achingly honest about their predicament as k-pop’s designated older-man fap-material. You don’t have to search very hard to see footage of the Sistar girls complaining about crappy concepts and slimy seniors cracking onto them non-stop, so they’re probably as glad that they’re heading out of the limelight now as everybody else.
That’s all for this week’s roundup – more next week!